my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize
