just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
