After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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