If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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