Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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