ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
