you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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