the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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