so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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