her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
