We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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