I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
