Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
