Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
