my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
