70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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