i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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