On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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