I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
