Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
no you cant smoke seaweed
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
