also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
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