I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
