I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Randomize
