Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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