I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
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So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
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God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
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