i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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