Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
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I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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