Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
