remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
