my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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