Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
