We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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