I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
