conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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