I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
you will always have a special place in my vag
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Randomize
