I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
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nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
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I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
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