You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
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We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
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Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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