We're facebook friends in real life
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
