Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
how does that bad decision feel?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
