I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
