I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Randomize
