dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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