I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
