i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
