guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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