I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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