the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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