apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
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