He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
