I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
