The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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