My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
