Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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