Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
