I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
