Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
