my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
