I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Randomize
