i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
