Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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