Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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