If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
