I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
